Let me tell you a little bit about last week. It’s been…shitty…to say the least. Seriously, you have no idea.
Monday: Everything was ok, except it was fucking MONDAY and I’m pretty sure we can all agree that Monday’s were invented by sadistic bastards that want us to punch babies…. So, yeah…everything was ok…EXCEPT that I had to go see Dr. Creepy (the guy that stares at my boobs and fondles my elbow skin). Surprisingly though, Dr. Creepy was mostly uncreepy this time, all things considered. I was going to Movie Monday at Bethany’s house where there would be pizza and laughter and all would be right in the world after my potentially wacked out experience with Dr. Creepy so I drove back from the doctor’s office and waited to pick up Bethany and then? Do you know what happened? You probably don’t. I will tell you. My motherfucking car broke. I turned the key and IT DIDN’T FUCKING START. That is the hallmark of a broken car. Let me tell you…….I was PISSED! Unfortunately, this has happened a time or two before so I assumed I had left my lights on (again) and killed my battery (again). That wasn’t it. We tried to jump start the car for…oh…about an hour…and then we finally gave up. We were hungry and the pizza was calling to us. Off to Bethany’s. After the movie was over we went back to my work and tried to jump start the car again…you know…like maybe the car fairies came by and were all “You need help. Here….your car works now!” Except the stupid whore fairies didn’t come by and my car was still broken. Sad and dejected we went home.
Tuesday, I got a ride to work from Rob. In the Jeep. The Jeep is….smelly…and hard to get in…and drives really rough…and has mud tires on it….and is lifted…and did I already mention that it’s smelly? Yes? Well, I’ll tell you again because it’s REALLY smelly. It’s totally a man’s car. It is beautiful in its complexity and smelliness. In a manly sort of way…I guess. I’ve never heard of a snorkel for a car, but this one has it. Rob’s Jeep is…utilitarian. Not the kind of car I’m used to riding in. My car has leather seats and hiney heaters and a smooth, quiet ride. The Jeep is rough and loud and the windows were down so my hair looked like I’d been ravaged by a pack of wild llama by the time I got to work…but I GOT TO WORK! So, there was at least that. However, even with all of Rob’s tinkering, my car still wouldn’t start. Sucky! I called the dealership where I purchased the car and they were all “call the manufacturer…they’ll tow your car here for free” so I called and THEY TOTALLY TOWED MY CAR FOR FREE!! I got a free tow that WASN’T EVEN FROM MY INSURANCE COMPANY. I loved that. I had to ride in a tow truck though. And that was mostly sucky. For the second time in 24 hours I was riding in a vehicle that was loud and smelly and dirty and not at all what I’m used to. Thanks, Tuesday. I got a rental car from Enterprise; a 2009 Pontiac Vibe. It still had that icky “new car” smell. So. Gross. But? I had a car to drive!
Wednesday, I went to work and was there for…oh…two hours? before I got a call from the dealership saying that they had forgotten to have me sign the authorization to work on my car. No problem. “Fax it over,” I said. “Um…we don’t have a fax machine right now.” WHAT THE FUCK!? What business doesn’t have a fax machine? Whatever. It was close to lunch so I agreed to drive across town and sign the damn paper. I arrived at the service department and signed the paper but the guy was all “Uh…we probably know what it is…the part isn’t recalled…yet…but this happens all the time. Do you want to wait and have us fix it and you can just drive your car home?” HELL YES! So, I assumed that 30 minutes later I’d be on the road. Not so much. It was more like an hour. And more like hell. Yeah. I waited and I waited and finally they were all “Dude, your car is totally fixed” and I was all “I HOPE SO!” So I leave to put gas in the rental car so I wouldn’t get charged OUT THE ASS.
I pull into the gas station that is right across the street from Enterprise and see that half of the pumps are out-of-order and that’s inconvenient but I was not going to be bummed out. MY CAR WAS WORKING! So I fill up the rental car and I’m leaving the gas station and all of the sudden, do you know what happened? You don’t. Let me tell you: the tired EXPLODED. Like….I don’t even know what to liken it to! It was a fucking EXPLOSION! In the tire! and the car was half in the gas station driveway and half in the way of oncoming traffic. Some guy pulled up behind me as I was getting out of the car IN THE RAIN to look at my FLAT TIRE on the fucking RENTAL CAR and he rolls down his window and is all “GET OUT OF THE WAY, BITCH!” And y’all. That’s when I lost it. I totally SCREAMED at him: “Thank God you’re here, ASSHOLE because that hadn’t FUCKING OCCURRED TO ME to GET OUT OF YOUR WAY! Can’t you see that my FUCKING TIRE IS FLAT?” I’m sure I looked kind of like this:
And then I almost started to cry but I TOTALLY DIDN’T and I just called the rental company and was all “Uh, bitches, your car just malfunctioned on me. Come get your shit.” And they totally did. I spent the rest of the day filling out paperwork and driving back and forth from Enterprise to the dealership but I finally got my car back and all was right in the world. I missed my car so much.
So, yeah. For those of you that follow me on Twitter and were all “Why are you so stabby?” and “You ALWAYS feel stabby these days!” and stuff like that? THIS is why I felt so stabby. THIS. RIGHT. HERE.
P.S. Did I forget to mention that after the rental car was picked up and taken away on a tow truck I realized that I left my FUCKING PHONE IN THE FUCKING CAR!?! Because that’s what happened. And then I had to drive 30 minutes in rush hour traffic to get it back from Enterprise….but that was only after 30 minutes of “Hmm…where did I have my phone last?” and “I will take everything out of my purse and turn it inside out” (literally) and “Goddamn you iPhone! WHERE ARE YOU HIDING!!?!” So…yeah. But, on the other hand? I got my car back. So…yeah.