If I had a pet monkey my life would pretty much be complete. I’ve had this plan in place for kind of a long time so don’t be all “You’re trying to steal Dane Cook’s idea!” because seriously? My idea is way better. Yes, I want to train my monkey to be a ninja BUT I also want to train my monkey how to use the US postal service and/or FedEx. Once My Vagina (the monkey’s name would be My Vagina, by the way) was trained in the ninja arts and how to complete a return mailing address sticker I would set my plan in action.
First, I would mail My Vagina to an enemy; then, like a stripper from a giant birthday cake, My Vagina would burst out of the package and begin beating the crap out of said enemy. Once My Vagina felt like the enemy had received a sufficient beating he would fill out the return address form and get back into the package and mail himself home. Really, I think this idea is virtually foolproof.
Also, think of the self defeat people would feel after receiving a beating from My Vagina. I’ll leave you to think about that now. Talk amongst yourselves.
