Archive for the ‘Holy Shit’ Category

(Hopefully) New Beginnings

January 5, 2010

Several people have asked me what’s been going on lately.  I’m never quite sure how to answer them.  Typically, the appropriate answer is ‘fine’ because that’s what people expect to hear and want to believe.  But here’s the truth:

To say that I’ve been depressed lately would be a gross understantment.  I’ve been really, really down.  I have friends who can recognize the symptoms of a bout with depression and medicate, meditate, reduce stress, etc. to avoid it.  My depression seems to creep up on me slowly and silently and spring like a bear trap.  It leaves me writhing in pain and mental anguish and wondering “What the fuck is going on here?”  As with many times before this, I didn’t even know I was falling into depression until I was already there.  I think I’m coming out of it now, though.  For me, things tend to get a little foggy.  I become angry and irritated with people around me because on the inside I’m feeling anxious and self-conscious which I hate, but  feeling that way but I don’t know how to avoid it.

This is me. 

I’m not the kind of person to make “New Year’s Resolutions” but I’m going to try one this year:  I want to write more about who I am and how I feel and get it all out there.  Bottling it all up isn’t getting me anywhere productive and is actually proving to be quite damaging.  So…here goes nothing.

 Wish me luck.

My Dream Monkey, My Vagina

January 5, 2010

If I had a pet monkey my life would pretty much be complete.  I’ve had this plan in place for kind of a long time so don’t be all “You’re trying to steal Dane Cook’s idea!” because seriously?  My idea is way better.  Yes, I want to train my monkey to be a ninja BUT I also want to train my monkey how to use the US postal service and/or FedEx.  Once My Vagina (the monkey’s name would be My Vagina, by the way) was trained in the ninja arts and how to complete a return mailing address sticker I would set my plan in action.

First, I would mail My Vagina to an enemy; then, like a stripper from a giant birthday cake, My Vagina would burst out of the package and begin beating the crap out of said enemy.  Once My Vagina felt like the enemy had received a sufficient beating  he would fill out the return address form and get back into the package and mail himself home.  Really, I think this idea is virtually foolproof.

Also, think of the self defeat people would feel after receiving a beating from My Vagina.  I’ll leave you to think about that now.  Talk amongst yourselves.