Archive for the ‘Times I Was Drunk’ Category

My Dream Monkey, My Vagina

January 5, 2010

If I had a pet monkey my life would pretty much be complete.  I’ve had this plan in place for kind of a long time so don’t be all “You’re trying to steal Dane Cook’s idea!” because seriously?  My idea is way better.  Yes, I want to train my monkey to be a ninja BUT I also want to train my monkey how to use the US postal service and/or FedEx.  Once My Vagina (the monkey’s name would be My Vagina, by the way) was trained in the ninja arts and how to complete a return mailing address sticker I would set my plan in action.

First, I would mail My Vagina to an enemy; then, like a stripper from a giant birthday cake, My Vagina would burst out of the package and begin beating the crap out of said enemy.  Once My Vagina felt like the enemy had received a sufficient beating  he would fill out the return address form and get back into the package and mail himself home.  Really, I think this idea is virtually foolproof.

Also, think of the self defeat people would feel after receiving a beating from My Vagina.  I’ll leave you to think about that now.  Talk amongst yourselves.