Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Thanks, coworker

September 19, 2009

This is why my day is sucking: I don’t watch a lot of TV but I LOVE the show The Office. My coworker just ruined the episode from last night for me though. Here’s how it went down.

Coworker: Hey! Did you see last nights episode of The Office yet?!

Me: No, I haven’t. It’s on the DVR though. I’m hoping to watch it this weekend.

Coworker: Well, lemme tell you blah blah blah EVERY HILARIOUS DETAIL blah blah blah! Isn’t that funny!?

Me: faceplant

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Can you even mount spurs on 3″ heels? I hope so.

September 11, 2009

Conversation I had with one of my awesome coworkers today:

Backstory: coworker left his keys at home today. I have a key for everyone on my team’s desks so I handed him my giant key ring. He was shaking it while walking back to my desk where the following conversation took place.

Coworker: These keys sound like spurs.

Me: Dude. We should have spurs around here.

Coworker: uh……….?

Me: No. Seriously. Think about it. You’re in a meeting and it’s running long and you want to go to lunch. So you’re all “Pick up the pace, buddy!” and then they’re all “You’re not the boss of me!” and then you’ll be all like “these motherfucking spurs say I AM the boss of you. WHAT NOW!?!” and then you put your foot up on the table and look all menacing. Brilliant, right!?!

Coworker: This is why I like coming over here.

And then he walked away. I’m pretty sure he left to go find some spurs. I didn’t hear any ‘ching-ching-ching’ as he walked by later so I assume he bought his on the Internet and is waiting for them to be shipped.

I looked when I was at the store earlier but can you believe it? Fucking Wal-Mart doesn’t even carry spurs. What kind if crap is that!?! ‘One Stop Shop’? I don’t think so. You’ve let me down, Wal-Mart. Seriously. I don’t care that I live in an urban area with very few people that could see the potential benefit of wearing spurs in the office. It’s not MY fault that other people don’t have the kind of brilliance I do.

Brutal Honesty

September 9, 2009

I decided to start being more honest. Like, brutally honest. So, as my first brutally honest revelation I’ll tell you a secret: I’m writing this post from the ladies restroom at my place of employment. That’s right! I’m in the restroom. Not only that, but I’m on the toilet right now. Do you know what that means? I’ll tell you: I don’t have my pants on right now. Fuck. Yeah. No pants. I feel strangely liberated in my pants-free state. I’m actually considering not wearing pants more often. Seriously. No. More. Pants. Well…maybe sometimes. I live in Oregon and sometimes it’s cold here. Like really, really cold…I’ll need pants during those months.

Anyway, what was I saying? I don’t even remember. Wait…I think I was *going* to say that I’m stuck in the ladies room because my coworkers suck. I’m pretty sure that’s where I was going with this. Or maybe not. That’s where I’m going now though. Get your safety belts on.

My coworkers are some seriously needy sons-of-bitches. Seriously. I won’t go into details because as much as they make me want to stab them I actually really like my job. But sometimes? Sometimes I just want to load them all up and take them to the glue factory. For realz, yo.

Today has been all my fault though. I’ve been screwing up left and right all day and it’s not fucking pretty. That report? I didn’t do it. That presentation?I forgot slides 11, 16 & 31…even after that one guy reminded me. My intern? I forgot today was his first day back and I was 30 minutes late meeting him. One giant strung of fuck ups back-to-fucking-back. Everyone has those days though…right? RIGHT?!

Word to the wise: when you see a coworker’s eye TWITCH when you say “You got a minute?” it would be best for EVERYONE if you just come back later. Or? Never. Never is a good second choice. Aaaaaaand…that’s all I have to say about that.

In case you were wondering? I still have no pants on. That’s right! No. Pants.

Don’t worry. I’m still in the restroom. I’m not that “free” yet.

The Universe Doesn’t Want Me To Do Laundry

September 6, 2009

Today is Saturday. The first Saturday since fucking JUNE that I didn’t have plans to be somewhere at the ass-crack of dawn. I got to sleep in. At least, I was supposed to sleep in. I woke up at 8:00am. To me? That is not sleeping in. Sleeping in means *barely* making it out of bed at an hour that could still be called “morning” by normal people. Sleeping in means waking up, looking at the clock seeing that it’s 8:00 and saying “fuck you, world! It’s Saturday, I’m going back to sleep.”

I *tried* to go back to sleep. I tossed and turned until 9:00am and then decided it was time to get up. To start my day. And by ‘start my day’ I mean stumble around my house while still wearing my pajamas.

As I write this I’m still in my pajamas. I have no intention of changing. I’m the only person home this weekend. Around here, a house normally filled with six people, three dogs, two cats, and all the visitors each person brings along? Being alone at home is rare. It’s peaceful…except for the mess left behind when everyone was packing to go camping for two weeks….that’s not very peaceful. Oh well…I’ll take what I can get. I miss everyone though. Honestly.

I’ve been gone every day from 8:00am until at least midnight for the last three weeks and before that it was 8:00 until around 10:00. I’m drained. I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus.

I had big plans for today. I planne to stay home and do laundry, work on a project that I haven’t been able to finish at the office this week, write a post for the Bloggess Army, clean my room and after all that go to my brother’s birthday dinner. So far I’ve made a grilled cheese sandwich, put my hair in pigtails, started one load of laundry and fell asleep playing with the cat. To Do List FAIL.

I’m trying to feel bad about being so lazy but it’s not working. I’m totally enjoying my lazy day. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some napping to do.

Oh. My. God. Becky, look…

August 25, 2009

So, there I am, standing in the middle of Macy’s.  A few racks of clothing away is a mid-thirties, obviously career-type-mom with her three or four year old son.  The kid is being relatively well behaved and I’m super impressed.  His hair is perfect and obviously spiked with product.  His little argyle sweater and khaki pants are without stains and wrinkles.  This is the kind of kid that has no fun.  Maybe.  This kid is just standing there…WITH HIS HANDS BEHIND HIS BACK.  He wasn’t even in trouble y’all and he was just standing there.

So Awesome Kid is kind of looking around and then all of the suddenhe starts shouting.  It wasn’t clear at first because he was A) shouting and B) talking like a three or four-year-old but he managed to get a few words out before his horrified mother could drop the trousers and suit jackets she was apparently getting ready to try on and clamp her hand over his mouth with violent shushing.  His rhythm started out kind of off but I picked out what he was saying towards the end.  This is what I heard:

“I [mumble] BIG BUTTS AND I [mumble] LIE, YOU [mumble] OTHER…” aaaaaaaaaaand that’s when his mom’s hand clamped over his mouth…aaaaaaaaaaand when I started laughing hysterically.  Seriously.  If I had a kid and he was just doin’ his thing but wanted to bust out a song every now and then? I like to think that I’d allow him to do so.  In my imagination, I’m a super cool parent type.

Charity for the Lazy-at-Heart

August 22, 2009

In light of the upcoming Bloggess Army (#ba) charity drive I thought I would impart my Mid-Recession Charity Wisdom:

If you’re like me, you’ve got dozens of “mostly spent” gift cards rolling around in the kitchen junk drawer with lame balances like $1.07 and $2.41 that you can’t spend without finding a transaction with that exact balance.  Well, good news:  You can SPEND THOSE DOLLARS.  Just…maybe not the way your Uncle Milton had in mind when he gave you that gift card.  When you’ve gotten all the useful dollars off the card and you’re left with a weird balance just go the website of your favorite charity and make a donation for the exact dollar amount that’s left on the gift card.  (Some card holders will require that you register the card online before doing any sort of online transaction but it’s usually quick and painless.)

Let’s face it, when you’re making the tough decisions like “Should I put gas in the car or food on the table?” making charitable contributions isn’t in the forefront of your mind.  I found this method to be extra awesome a few years ago because I’m a selfish bitch and don’t want the big credit card corporations making an extra buck or two if at all possible but I think it will be extra helpful during these tough economic times.  🙂

Love,

Chuck Norris (@PrincessOfForks)

Officially Crazy? Probably.

August 19, 2009

Awesome or totally Fucked Up? You be the judge.

I told my coworker that I’m only accepting requests in triplicate from now on…signed in blood.  He stood there for a second just going, Blink. Blink. Blink.  But then he’s all “Does it need to be my own blood?”

If I get fired for joining The Bloggess Army I’m going to miss this job.  A lot.

#unblockthebloggess

August 17, 2009

Dear Awesome Person,

Did you know that *at this very minute* a battle is brewing between two of the most awesome people on the planet?  No, not Hillary Duff and Pauly Shore.  This battle is between William Shatner and The Bloggess, Jenny Lawson.

Please visit @mayopie‘s blog to get the latest details about the war.  I would post something more interesting but I’m tired because I’ve had terrible dreams the last several nights and William Shatner is to blame.  Seriously.

To join in the fight please help us tell the “truth” about William Shatner on Twitter using the hashtag #unblockthebloggess and/or email Stephen Colbert (colbertweb@gmail.com).  Feel free to tell himI’m awesome.  Or not.  It’s up to you.

Love Always,

Chuck Norris (that’s my code name in the #unblockthebloggess movement)

Almost Old

August 9, 2009

I feel old. Not in the bone-creaking, weary way that grandparents say they feel old but in the way that only young people can mean it. Old, older, it’s all the same right now, I guess. I’m sure that 20 years from now I will look back on this and laugh but for now? Today? I feel old.

Time is moving forward all around me. People are getting older and dying, babies are growing up and attending college. Life. Moves. On. Even now. I’m older than I was last week, last month, last year. I’m older now, closer to the end, closer to tomorrow, closer than I was when I started writing this. I guess it’s just one of those days, you know?

My birthday is on Monday. I will be 27. I keep thinking “this isn’t how I thought my life would be. This isn’t who I thought I would become.” but the reality of it all is that whether or not I am the person I saw myself becoming when I was a child…this is so much better. It’s lightyears away from where I thought I would be. I am not the woman the 10 year old me planned…but I like this version more. I like the spontaneous way I live my life. I like me. I have chosen to embrace this life and it’s working out pretty great.

My advice to everyone for the coming year is this: whatever life hands you, decide now you will make the best of it. Death, disease, birth, laughter, health, disasters, parties…parties that end in disaster, failure, fatigue, excitement… It’s all part of life. Make an effort to love it and whatever comes your way won’t seem so bad.

Happy Saturday, world.

Take Me Above

August 6, 2009

Check out this video for Owl City’s song Hello Seattle.  It’s super creative and an awesome display of artistic talent.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=flPwGj7O6FU